Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tears on the Stairmaster

This day a little wacky. A little off. I need to underscore this with 3 letters that I think we all blame for havocing up the day: P.M.S. I think I got a little miffed by copious returns where they then wanted a sample of the product that they returned.
I was distracted but determined to make the day better where I could. When I left work, it was time for pricey gas. Brought my cash in to the clerk. Asked for 30 on the pump and um, 2 scratch tickets. Feelin' entitled to luck. "Can I see ID?",she asks. "ID?!" I look at her puzzled and slightly irritated. "Fo reals?". She nods at me with all the authority of the Washington State Gambling Commission behind her. "Um, OK." I trot back to the car WTF'ing my way back and forth. I so did not need a delay. Got my 2 bucks worth and told myself, "I am so gonna win after that shit." After sitting in the heinousness of 167,(where people cut you off, only to go 10 under the speed limit) I phoned home to let the Rosie know I needed to go get tie one on at the Y. At this point, I was about to melt. Like Warren G, I needed to regulate.
Workouts for me = Madonna-thon. Its all about hitting the random shuffle on web radio, skipping the Spice Girls songs they toss in and getting into the groove. My favorite workout songs consist of the following:

1. Madonna - Jump
2. Madonna - Get Together
3. Madonna - Holiday
4. Madonna - Hung Up
5. Madonna - Sorry
6. Annie -Heartbeat
7. George Michael - Freedom 90 (that's a whole nother future topic of happiness)
8. Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl (that's right get your pom poms out, gettin' everybody riled up!!!)
9. Fergie - Here I Come
10. Lady Gaga - Just Dance

So I am in a good Madonna rotation. I have not dropped my phone, fallen off the bike, or called it quits prematurely. When, what's this? Madonna slow ballad. Oh nooooooo! Not gonna jack up my stride. I glanced over to see what was on the menu. Rut ro... I can't skip this song. Call me a magical thinker but it would be dissing the dearly departed.

"Don't cry for me Argentina" was beginning to play. This. Was. Dad's. Favorite. Song (gulp).

Growing up, I was instructed, persuaded, begged, and bribed to play this song on the piano and sing it for my dad. He loved Evita. He loved Andrew Lloyd Webber. And he actually was quite fond of Madonna's rendition. I cant tell you how many times I played that song. It was my meal ticket back home on weekends home from college. Often after dinner Dad would say " You know what song I want to hear". I would protest. He would almost grovel. There was this gentle nature about Dad when he would ask. I knew that hearing this song made him very happy. The truth is, I did not want to play it, because it made me too sappy and sentimental to see my dad so happy.To know that this sweet song went straight to his heart was almost more than I could see without wanting to lose it every time I played it for him. This was the song that my dad would have wanted me to sing when he died. But I did not have the balls to honor this unspoken request.

So here I pushed, pedaled and prayed that I would become elliptically challeneged and fall off the in a puddle of snotty tears. I continued to listen to the song. Eyes wet. Stretching my head up to roll back the tears I knew I could no longer fight.

Ironically the sweet chorus would ask of me, "Don't cry for me Argentina. The truth is I never left you."

I was done trying to be put together. I listened to the words "And as for fortune and as for fame...I never invited them in. Though they seemed to the world all I desired. They are illusions. They're not the solutions they promised to be. The answer was here all along."

I pressed on. I pedaled harder. I smiled a little. Dad just put another gentle request out there to remind me that the truth is he never left me.


  1. Holly you are such a great writer. Thanks for putting it all out there for us. Love you! Emily

  2. I remember you speaking at your father's funeral and it was absolutely lovely.

  3. What a beautiful tribute to your dad. You are something else. And a great writer to boot!

  4. Hell. You just made me cry. You? Are amazing. <3 (And I? Am a stalker. Hey. You posted on your fb page and since I couldn't leave a comment on your wall it took me to your info page which left this. so sue me.)